healing from depression

Rocco's First Easter + PPD Update!

I hope everyone is had a wonderful Easter with their friends and family! This year is Rocco's very first Easter celebration! Look at how adorable he looks in his little bow tie!!!! Trey didn't want him to wear that cute little bow tie. . .Deanna and I snuck it on him for photos though!!! Oh my goodness!! I'm so in love!

This year we went super non-traditional with our menu and served Tacos! My mother-in-law picked up some of El Charro's famous cheese dip and it was OH-so-good!!! And of course my sister-in-law, who is also an amazing baker, made some yummy desserts! We ate so good and then I had everyone go outside for photos! haha, Maybe that was bad timing! Eating MEXICAN and then photographs! Suck it in folks!

I know this is on the more serious side. . .but now that I’m getting back out there, lots of you have been asking me how I’ve been and I really appreciate you guys thinking of me! When Rocco was four months old, in (October 2017) I was hit really hard with postpartum depression. We were actually on vacation with our brand new family of five when it all started. I cried the entire trip - all SIX days! I felt SO guilty for crying every day and that guilt made it all feel so much worse!!! I felt like such a burden to my family, steeling their joy at one of our FAVE places - the beach! I was a mess and I pretty much stayed that way until the end of February 2018. 

That’s when I started focusing more on work and that really helped me! I also stopped nursing as much (we are down to only once a day now). This made me sad and happy all at the same time. Rocco never nursed very well. Heck, he hardly drinks a bottle well! He just seems so unhappy and frustrated with drinking anything. It’s taken a lot of pressure off of me but put pressure on me as well! I nursed both my girls until they were over a year old. I wanted to nurse Rocco that long and I've felt guilty for not nursing him as much. I just wanted to experience the same closeness I did when I nursed my girls but with Rocco too. I started feeling like a failure AND a burden. . .I wanted to end my life. I thought about it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! I just felt like if I wasn’t around then my family would be happier.

During that time a lot of changes were happening. My gym of over four years stopped offering childcare. That meant I couldn’t workout because I didn't have anyone there to watch Olivia and Rocco. I lost my “gym family” and my routine! Although, I hadn’t been going super regular due to Rocco waking about three times in the middle of the night ( I was too exhausted) in my mind it was the routine I would return to when he did start sleeping! The thought of losing ALL the things that seemed normal totally rocked my world!

I started praying that God would bless me with a NEW normal AND QUICKLY!!! Shortly after praying for this, I decided to do The Juice in the Raw Cleanse. I wanted to do something totally for myself! I felt amazing after the cleanse! The very next week my sweet neighbor Brittany invited me to workout with her in a new group that had just formed! And then two weekends after that my girlfriends and I went on a girls trip to Helen, Ga.! God was so good to me!! I needed ALL of those events to happen! I seriously feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me!!! I feel like me again!

This has been one of the hardest PPD journey's for me! I have been so incredibly frustrated with myself! Although I've experienced PPD before and I knew this wouldn't last forever, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel! I doubted everything about myself and my confidence dropped off the face of the Earth! It wasn't until I started praying for healing AND was open to it, that my life started to have light again!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued prayers, support and love they have shown me over these really difficult months! You guys are SO incredible and I love every single one of you!