I know this is on the more serious side. . .but now that I’m getting back out there, lots of you have been asking me how I’ve been and I really appreciate you guys thinking of me! When Rocco was four months old, in (October 2017) I was hit really hard with postpartum depression. We were actually on vacation with our brand new family of five when it all started. I cried the entire trip - all SIX days! I felt SO guilty for crying every day and that guilt made it all feel so much worse!!! I felt like such a burden to my family, steeling their joy at one of our FAVE places - the beach! I was a mess and I pretty much stayed that way until the end of February 2018.
That’s when I started focusing more on work and that really helped me! I also stopped nursing as much (we are down to only once a day now). This made me sad and happy all at the same time. Rocco never nursed very well. Heck, he hardly drinks a bottle well! He just seems so unhappy and frustrated with drinking anything. It’s taken a lot of pressure off of me but put pressure on me as well! I nursed both my girls until they were over a year old. I wanted to nurse Rocco that long and I've felt guilty for not nursing him as much. I just wanted to experience the same closeness I did when I nursed my girls but with Rocco too. I started feeling like a failure AND a burden. . .I wanted to end my life. I thought about it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! I just felt like if I wasn’t around then my family would be happier.
During that time a lot of changes were happening. My gym of over four years stopped offering childcare. That meant I couldn’t workout because I didn't have anyone there to watch Olivia and Rocco. I lost my “gym family” and my routine! Although, I hadn’t been going super regular due to Rocco waking about three times in the middle of the night ( I was too exhausted) in my mind it was the routine I would return to when he did start sleeping! The thought of losing ALL the things that seemed normal totally rocked my world!
I started praying that God would bless me with a NEW normal AND QUICKLY!!! Shortly after praying for this, I decided to do The Juice in the Raw Cleanse. I wanted to do something totally for myself! I felt amazing after the cleanse! The very next week my sweet neighbor Brittany invited me to workout with her in a new group that had just formed! And then two weekends after that my girlfriends and I went on a girls trip to Helen, Ga.! God was so good to me!! I needed ALL of those events to happen! I seriously feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me!!! I feel like me again!
This has been one of the hardest PPD journey's for me! I have been so incredibly frustrated with myself! Although I've experienced PPD before and I knew this wouldn't last forever, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel! I doubted everything about myself and my confidence dropped off the face of the Earth! It wasn't until I started praying for healing AND was open to it, that my life started to have light again!
I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued prayers, support and love they have shown me over these really difficult months! You guys are SO incredible and I love every single one of you!